some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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