i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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