my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
