Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
