Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
