She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
