Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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