Can i not drive my cunt home
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
