So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
