I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
