I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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