I could have mohawked her pubes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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