he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
