halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
