My liver just broke up with me...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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