He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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