If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
third nipple confirmed
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
