Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
