Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drake has all the answers
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
