I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
