I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
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And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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