I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize