Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
