i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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