im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
