just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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