I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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