You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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