i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs