i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
