What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
