man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
