i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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