what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
