I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
