Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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