I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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