3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
