Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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