I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
