you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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