Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
