Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
