There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
