Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
