Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
