When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Even my vagina gasped.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
