I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
