I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
