I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
