U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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