just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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