i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My bed smells like the plague
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
