I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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