cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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