u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
