hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
