So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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