apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
