tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
