I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
