I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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